jcjava (jcjava) wrote,

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Mommy Guilt

I recently read a blog about Mommy guilt and living in the past. It hit a nerve so hard in me. Alex's first 5 years were overshadowed by a very dark period in my life. There were days that at 3 and 4 he was caring more for me than I for him. Days spent watching videos all day from my bed while I just fought the dark clouds of PPd that had turned to Severe Depression. We lost so many mommy & me opportunities, and never did make homemade play-do or go to the hands on museum. Fast forward 10 years and he is an only child with no siblings. I feel my own health struggles stole the joy of playing forts with younger siblings. For about 10 years I have felt so guilty for not having more children, by birth or adoption. And after reading that article (and seeing the life my husband has with no siblings vs mine with siblings), I am letting go of so much guilt, false desire, and shame. I realize my fevered desire to have so many more children was fueled much by the desire 'to get it right' with the next one. Hey, if you know my kid, you know I didn't do so bad the first time.

It is ok to have one child, or no children even. And the fact that some in my family and social circle have many, or none, makes them no better or worse a mom than me. My neighbor has 7 beautiful children, and for a long while, I used to be so jealous. Seeing them play together, and the great fun they have with each other. But then, one child affords me things she will never have. I pick up and go with one child much more easily. I get to run the clubs and plan events for the families with those kids.

I am looking down the tail end of my child rearing. My husband and I are excited by the idea that we will be able to have that couples only time we never got by having our child right off the bat. Embracing the opportunities that this lifestyle affords me is much better than longing for something that is not reality.

Tags: alex, motherhood, pcos
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